Paradox

To the child that were never born:


Tell me, how does it feel like to be a part of the abyss? Is it rainy there? Do you have green lands and lots of roses?

Does it feel great to stick in the abyss, that you don't want to experience another kind of life? I wonder.

I hope you would tell me more about your being, I'm more curious than ever. In fact I don't think I have been this curious about you ever before.

My dear, I hoped you would never ask me how is it like to be alive. But you did, and I'm afraid it is far beyond your little expectations. I'm afraid to let you touch such an afterlife in a letter, it is way different than how the abyss is, even though I have no clue how the first is, at least I'm sure they're not the same.

I'll let you touch my thoughts, as if you existing here.

Shall we start about despair? Indecision can start it all. Well actually, other beings can seal it to your life. How much you're pleading for salvation, when a memory can pierce your soul. You lost count of how many times you could die and be revived, as you realized.. you're doomed in an eternal loop of agony and pain.

Shall we pray for a miracle then? But tragedy is an endless pulse. You'll find yourself setting your aching heart alight. You'll keep running to an unseen ending. You'll learn to bury your despair deep in your heart, and let your face show nothing but strength. Your tired wings would still carry you, and out of light.. you'll fight your way through.

As lies obscure the truth, how deceptions can breach your soul. We may never break through this endless night, but that tiny selfish dream remains, that we'll see another dawn. That heavens always knows.

But then my dearest, you'll grow as a set of scars. It could be even hard for a thousand sun to recover your wound. Some cuts burned their way far.. deeper than you imagined in your soul. How living everyday becomes a burden, how your light goes dimmer. Then time will flow into silence and before you knows: You're left out. The times you'll find yourself the stranger are more than the times you'll find yourself known. Grasping again and again, losing again and again against the flow of time.

Terrifying, where the night makes tomorrow into tonight, and you're not on track, where time never follow your will to stop. Nor your suffering is.

Having a dream to escape would be a necessity, you will grow dreams. You'll find yourself having a dream, one like the rising sun could be enough for you, as witnessing the sunrise as a new hope is reborn.

But then my love, darkness and light, both overlap.

As you start being alive, you'll come across a great gate. You'll only cross it once, and once you do you'll start being alive. As far as I remember, that's the very first memory. Within, my dear, I hope your turn never be. This gate of trials cannot be closed, and you cannot cross it twice. The world after is a mess before you find yourself one.

I am afraid you'll question your future and your past and your beats often. I am afraid you'll die multiple times and none can teach you how to be resurrected again. I am afraid I do not know where are the answers, even to my questions.

Within, I hope you will send me a letter one day saying: "The gate stands right before my eyes. Shall I waver or break it?"

Questions keeps flaming your presence, they'll never end. Your hardest aim might be "fighting" to not die wondering. 

I could write hundreds of letters and still would not be able define the life after the abyss. As much as I long for us to be in one world, I yearn for you never leaving the abyss.. instead I hope you could take me there. I hope I can go back and remember how it is like to be unborn. I hope both of us can be in one place, so none of us is alone. I have this wish a lot my dear.. probably this what I yearned so hard for.
Lots of beings here after collapsing would wish to an end to this ordeal, they would rip their soul out their body, but they never find rest, not even after life. For me I wish to get back to the abyss, where I never knew I exist, where I couldn't know I have a life but live in stillness. Where I never had to cross the gate of trials.

Yours truly,

Your existent soul